Gossip Girl Skewers L.L.Bean, Tinsley Mortimer and Tom Cruise

Can you believe we finally just got around to watching the new Gossip Girl this afternoon? That's a pretty good assessment of how busy we've been this week. (And how busy we'll continue to be for a little while. Bear with us!) Still, it was well worth the wait. And of course, a more concise recap is available over here, for those of you who like their rehashing to be shorter and also include superlatives. (And – be warned – there are spoilers in both!)

1:00pm: Shoes! Colors! Headbands! I'm not down with Jenny's evil streak, but this clique-y face-off seems to inspire way adorable color combinations.

1:03pm: Serena! Cute vest. Cute layers. Cute red cuffs! And your jacket seems to actually fit. For a change, we say: Looking good, S!

1:04pm: Vanessa has new earrings! They're not cute, but still: Hurrah! The gold lips necklace is not cute either, but I'm just happy the door knockers are gone.

1:05pm: Jenny, you ARE insufferable. Even your adorable bright yellow jacket is not helping things.

1:08pm: Ooooh. Rapid cuts. Artful close-ups. A pulled tie! I smell scandal. Yep, scandal!

1:11pm: Here's Lily, looking cutely matronly in oversized clip-on earrings and librarian glasses. Stuffy-chic is back. I like!

1:13pm: OH SNAP! An LL Bean pants dis.

1:15pm: Hmmm. Blair's navy, white and red (bright red tights and long-sleeve shirt, B?) is a bit much/patriotic, no?

{Oops, sorry, hold on; I have to take a phone call.}

1:26pm: Still digging Lily's conservative-chic look. And that pale blue birdcage wallpaper in the background of the wedding store is very sweet.

1:27pm: OMG. A Zac Efron dis!

1:27pm: OMG. A Page Six dis!

1:28pm: I don't like that all this activity is taking place on the same day. There are not enough outfit changes!

1:29pm: OMG. A Tinsley Mortimer dis! Wow, they are really pulling out all the obscure reference stops. Love it.

1:30pm: OMG. A Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise dis! They are really upping the rapid banter to Gilmore Girls levels.

{Commercial fast-forwarding begins now.}

1:31pm: Lily! Wedding gowns! Fun!

1:32pm: What, no gratuitous gown shot? We want to see all the ruffly goodness!

1:33pm: I like how the nerdy girl has become the Token Asian Sidekick, now that the other Asian has left the show. Still: Those round red glasses are pretty cute.

1:35pm: Guess I was wrong about that Asher. He went from cutie to jerk in a blink of a pink plaid shirt and striped grandpa cardigan.

1:36pm Hey, is that an arrangement of ranunculouses (ranunculi?) on Serena's dresser? Pretty!

1:37pm: Hmmm, Lily, not entirely sure about that royal blue belted dress. And you'd been doing so well.

{Sorry, another phone call. Hold on...}

1:47pm: Wow, has anyone else thought that Tom Welling (who I used to play on the same Little League team as, fyi) looks an awful lot like Rufus, at least in these new Smallville commercials?

1:48pm: Jenny, that striped cardi? Ew. That purple floral dress, though = seriously cute.

1:50pm: What's up with Georgina's gross purple blazer? Is it *polyester*? Really, G, if you're pushing someone out of the closet, the least you could do is be appropriately well-dressed while everyone stares at you all agape.

1:53pm: Time for some tough love, Serena: That gold mini-dress is NOT flattering. And the weird lanyard necklace? No, no, no!

1:54pm: Coming out, however, is very flattering on Eric. He has a nice glow. And his hair highlights-streaky bits are looking much better these days.

1:55pm: Wow, I guess Madras is waaaay in. *Everyone* is sporting Madras patchwork shirts. Asher: A Madras tie and a Madras shirt? Bold move!

2:00pm: Jenny, that purple dress is ah-may-zing. Blair's pearls aren't my favorite, but revenge does look very good on her.

2:05pm: Jenny, we know you own a cute yellow trench. Why must you pair that brown patchworky thing with that purple dress?

2:10pm: Serena, that silver jacket with that gold dress? Doubly uncute, and way too uncomfortably short for you.

2:11pm: Oh, the big secret has been spilled! Mike has just announced: "Shark. Jumped." We'll see…